


Do You Feel My Love For You

by icegirl99



Series: You Love Him [13]
Category: Ghost (Sweden Band)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-28
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2021-01-06 00:35:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21217649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icegirl99/pseuds/icegirl99
Summary: Copia finally tells Papa about the rest of his past.





	Do You Feel My Love For You

**Author's Note:**

> Written in first-person from Copia's point of view. This is a heavily emotional chapter. Mentions non-consensual sex. It is not extremely graphic. This was extremely hard to write but I feel I did it justice.

It was dark outside and Papa and I had been laying in his bed, cuddling and kissing lazily. I felt calm and content. It was comforting having the man I love holding me. I had my head on his chest, my ear pressed onto the spot right above his heart. Listening to it beat steadily soothed me. I wrapped my arm around Papa's waist and squeezed him gently. He sighed quietly and pressed a loving kiss to the top of my head. I was relaxed and I knew what I had to do at that moment. It was time to tell Papa the rest of my story. "I am ready," I whispered. I did feel my anxiety start but I took a deep breath, breathing in his scent. I focused on that and the sound of his beating heart. 

"Ready for what?" Papa asked, he tilted his head and I lifted my own head. Our gazes locked and Papa looked confused.

I gave him a sad smile. "I am going to tell you what happened between me and the man who broke both my heart and my body." 

"Copia…" Papa's voice sounded distressed. "I do not need to know this." 

"Maybe not Papa," I replied. "But I need to tell you. I need you to know what happened to me." 

"If that is your wish, I will listen." 

"Thank you, Papa," I said. I pushed myself up so I was laying next to him. I didn't touch him, I needed to be close to him but I didn't want us touching. Sometimes it would make me feel ashamed and a little scared. Papa seemed to dislike the fact that I had moved off of him. Perhaps he thought that I would be more comfortable in his arms and I wished that was the case. He reached for me but I gently pushed his hand away. "I'm sorry, Papa," I sighed, "but I cannot touch you while I do this. It is difficult for me to accept any type of physical contact while feeling what I'm about to feel." I did turn towards him though. 

"I understand," he said and whether or not that was true I didn't know. He looked concerned.

My heart was pounding, I felt like crying, and my stomach was fluttering. I fought to keep my composure. I wasn't going to give in, not now. I had to do this.

I took a deep breath and looked at Papa, he was watching me intently but cautiously. His mismatched eyes filled with sympathy. I looked away for a brief moment, biting my lip, before turning back to him and finally speaking. "I was in my early twenties and had within the last few years ran away from my last family home. I was living on my own but not quite making enough money to make ends meet. One day while looking for a better job I came across a man hiring for his at-home business. He offered me a job and I took it in a heartbeat. He appeared to be a lovely and nice gentleman. I fell in love with him and it was great for a year and three glorious months until one day our relationship wasn't going well. I had started a new job that paid more. I had wanted better for us. But lost that job because of a stupid mistake I made. After that, he changed. He was constantly yelling at me and we fought over money, a lot. I wanted to leave him but some part of me still loved him. Even after the night where he hurt beyond repair." I stopped. Tears stung in my eyes and I bit my lip to stop from sobbing. The emotions that I felt that night came flooding back. They drowned my senses. I felt betrayed, I felt scared, I felt broken, exposed and vulnerable. But most of all I felt pain. 

I looked at Papa and saw that he was crying silently. It was the first time I had seen him actually cry. He had come close earlier but I had never expected to see tears running down my beautiful Pope's face. I see that he was fighting the urge to reach out to me and I too was fighting that same feeling. But I knew I had to resist. If I let him hold me now, I would lose what composure I had left.

I couldn't stop the tears though. I squeezed my eyes shut and let them fall. I took in a deep breath to calm what little part of me I could and continued. "It started as consensual. I was preparing for bed and he walked up behind me, wrapping his arms around me and pressing up against me. I could tell he was aroused. But I didn't want to push it because I knew he was tired. When he offered, I agreed as I was already slightly turned on as well. We went to my bed and it was going well. Until he got a little too rough. He pinned me down and entered me from behind without any preparation or lube." I stopped again as the emotion became too much. I was reliving that night in my mind. The images burned into my mind were breaking me. My heart was pounding and my head was swimming. I wanted to vomit. I didn't. Instead, I focused on Papa and tried to remind myself that all of this was in the past and my Pope would never hurt me in this way. I could see it in his pain-filled eyes. There was love in them. Something that I had only seen from him. I spoke again. "It hurt, Papa. Oh Lucifer, it was horrible. The pain had made me cry. I cried out 'no' and 'stop' over and over again. The pain was blinding, I never adjusted, and I remember reaching out in an attempt to grab something to pull myself away but he would not let me. He didn't stop until he was finished." I needed another deep breath. I had told Papa most of it. I could not bring myself to talk about it in more detail. I do not think I ever could. 

"I laid there until I felt I could move again. I got up and went to the shower where I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I felt dirty and ashamed. I felt vulnerable and exposed. I wanted nothing more at that moment than to go to bed and never wake up." My gaze left Papa's face and I looked down at my hands. I felt ashamed to admit that I had wanted to kill myself. "When I returned to my bed I found it empty and I was grateful. I didn't want to see him."

"Sleep took a long time to come. I was still in pain. The burning was enough to keep me awake and it reminded me of what had just happened. The physical pain lasted for days. The emotional pain never went away. I remember feeling numb, like I had no emotion left. It was then that I decided to pleasure myself. I wanted to feel something again, I wanted the pain to go away if only for a few moments." I looked to Papa again. I was numb again. I felt nothing.

"It did not work, did it?" Papa's voice was barely a whisper, he could not keep it level.

"No," I replied, and looked away. After a few moments, I whispered, "it never has." 

"This is why you use sex as a coping mechanism," Papa said quietly. His voice was pained. "You want it to work. You hope that one day it will." I nodded, he wasn't wrong. "It will never." 

"I know," I whispered and I was sobbing now. I felt all of those emotions again. I missed the numb feeling I had lost just moments ago. "Sometimes I feel too much, other times I feel nothing at all." 

"What do you feel right now?" Papa asked softly. 

"All of it," I cried. I felt too much, it was overwhelming me and I wanted nothing more than to have my Pope hold me while I cried. 

"Do you feel loved?" Papa whispered and locked his gaze onto mine. His eyes were piercing but soft at the same time. He leaned towards me. "Do you feel my love for you, dear Copia?" he asked again. Papa's face was inches from mine but still he didn't touch me. 

I took in a slow breath. My heart fluttered but I wasn't anxious. I felt a sudden warmth spread through me at his words and I cried happy tears. "I do," I replied and I couldn't stop myself. I took his face in my hands and kissed him with everything I had. 

Papa whimpered slightly and he reached out to me, wrapping his arms around me. I suddenly felt a slight panic come over me and I stiffened. Papa broke our kiss and saw the slight distress in my eyes. He started to pull away and I felt an overwhelming sense of abandonment. I cried out a sob and fisted my hands into his shirt, pulling him to me. I needed to feel him against me. I needed to know that he was here. I pressed my head against his left shoulder.

"Don't go, Papa," I sobbed into his shoulder.

Papa tightened his grip on me. "Did you think I was going to leave you here alone?" Papa asked and he brought a hand up to pet my hair soothingly. 

"Yes," I cried. "Please Papa, I need you." I was clawing desperately at his chest even though he still held me close. I wasn't convinced. My anxiety wouldn't let me be. My head and my heart hurt.

"Sweet Copia, I am not going anywhere. I will stay here and hold you for as long as you need." Papa said, rubbing my back lightly. 

I felt my heart skip a few beats and my head began spinning quickly. I fought to keep conscious. I was able to lift my head for a moment. Papa's concerned face was the last thing I saw before the darkness took me.


End file.
